I Don't Know What I'm Doing...
Before you go any further... this was written two weeks ago. YES, two weeks ago! And…it’s more true today than it was then. And a special thanks to my sister from another mister, Amanda "Bae" Zampelli for encouraging me to post this.
I am sitting in one of my favorite coffee shops, blasting T-Swift’s new album through my Sudio Sweden’s, and starring at my baby across the table. This moment is pretty surreal and I am soaking it all up. I just finished some good reading and prayed about how to start this blog off. And all God led me to be, is REAL… because everyone is so tired of anything else. He knows. I know. You know.
And while I may not know a lot these days, I know it has been A LONG time since I last blogged. But I can now confidently say, I AM BACK baby! Was I gone?! Yes, yes I was. Pretty far gone actually. I was absent for so long from the process of writing for just Jesus, for just me. Honestly, I have just been trying to stay afloat in life right now—in a world full of diapers, laundry, work, church, and trying to have some kind of good relationship with GEE-OH-DEE, my honey, family, friends, and the list goes on and on… in my Happy Planner. HAHA! My planner babes get me. I have also been deeply stuck for a while, stuck in a fog, stuck in conflict, stuck in the upside down... (stranger things, ya heard?).
How do other mommas do it? I kept asking that question over and over again until I was blue in the face. No answers. No real answers. Clichés all day every day, but nothing real.
But of course, only God can give the real answers. And it took getting to a place of, “I don’t know…”
The other night, Philip and I blankly starred at one another from across the kitchen table. It was past midnight (the only time we could find to really talk without interruption) and we said those exact words to each other, “I don’t know”. That was all we had to say to questions like, “How do we find the time? How do we do this? How do we breathe? How do we say NO to that or them?”
Only God knew what we could do to get back to a good place, a simpler place. And we knew in order to get to that place, we had to halt and get back to HIM.
We prayed. I cried…a lot. And our prayer mostly consisted of those three simple words to God, “we don’t know”. To which he lovingly and graciously replied, “I know...”
If there is any person in the Bible that I can relate to time-and-time again, it’s Hannah in 1st Samuel. She was in the same unknown place—desperate, desiring a child, and crying out to God to deliver her out of a place of pain and into a place of purpose.
“So Hannah ate. Then she pulled herself together, slipped away quietly, and entered the sanctuary. The priest Eli was on duty at the entrance to God’s Temple in the customary seat. Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. Then she made a vow:
Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, If you’ll take a good, hard look at my pain, If you’ll quit neglecting me and go into action for me By giving me a son, I’ll give him completely, unreservedly to you. I’ll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.
It so happened that as she continued in prayer before God, Eli was watching her closely. Hannah was praying in her heart, silently. Her lips moved, but no sound was heard. Eli jumped to the conclusion that she was drunk. He approached her and said, “You’re drunk! How long do you plan to keep this up? Sober up, woman!”
Hannah said, “Oh no, sir—please! I’m a woman hard used. I haven’t been drinking. Not a drop of wine or beer. The only thing I’ve been pouring out is my heart, pouring it out to God. Don’t for a minute think I’m a bad woman. It’s because I’m so desperately unhappy and in such pain that I’ve stayed here so long.”
Eli answered her, “Go in peace. And may the God of Israel give you what you have asked of him.” -1 Samuel 1:9-17, MSG
That place is all too familiar—crushed in spirit, moving my lips with no words, and concerning those around me. Nevertheless, I found myself there.
And that brings us to this coffee shop, sitting across from one another. I would like to say that we fought hard to get back to this place, but it took giving up. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know”. It’s okay to throw your hands up. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to not be okay.
We are finding healthy again. It has been a week of establishing a new routine, schedule; and for me, transitioning into a new role at work (I am now the Social Media Coordinator, WOOWOO!). This new role means I get to focus my writing efforts on the one big thing that God has been getting me ready to do for so long—finally writing my flippin’ book! Yea, ya heard it here first.
But you guys. It took the I don’t know to get here. It took laying it all down. It took speaking up in unhealthy areas. It took being real. It took asking for help. It took trusting Jesus.
And when we gave it all up, we gained everything we ever needed.
I don’t know what I am doing 99 % of the time as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend… but I know the One who does.